Eneh Akpan Writes: A Writer's Gag

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

A Writer's Gag

Courtesy: plus.google.com

A writer was involved in a dispute with another writer (the nature of the dispute is left to speculation) and did the appropriate thing; he took it to the Lord in prayer. Of course, there are many lords as there are many gods such that it leaves room for improvisation. This writer who although, performed a commendable act by making his peculiar circumstance an item of prayer had the wrong intent because it wasn't about getting right with God. If anything, it was about getting even.

Back when I read this story, I thought why, couldn't the fellow get his hands on a good book of spells and just get it over with? None of the Harry Potter books had been written at the time but Lord of the Rings had been kicking around several years before. A few volumes of the Dark Tower had been published even the Necronomicon would have sufficed. Especially that last one.

Our man went into his closet, duly shut the door, fell on his knees, closed his eyes and cried out to the high heavens. Obviously, his cries were not loud enough because heaven couldn't wait to send him a reply—a no-reply. God answers not the prayers of the wicked. We all know that. But we have an idea who might have an interest in such prayers.

And the devil came.

“How do you know it was the devil?” Someone asks. Well, how does anybody know anything? I heard it through the grapevine, of course. As the story goes, the sly one heard our man praying and he appeared to him, possibly in bright shining phantasma. Old cloven foot stepped right up into the sanctity of this guy's closet and said… You wanna know what the devil said to this writer? That’s what he said.

The devil said to the ‘prayer…’ (Someone said the noun form for somebody who prays is prayer. I'm taking my cue from there.) The devil said to the ‘prayer,’ “whatever you ask for yourself, I'll give twice as much to your adversary. Ask wisely.” Trust the old fool to offer tips when he's got your number.

The writer vaulted that tight spot in a single breath. He brought his fingers to his chin and scratched. “I could ask you to chop off my right arm; the incompetent brat might lose both arms. It’s close enough for rock and roll, right?”

“Yeeeesssss,” the devil said. “Is that what you want?”

“No. wait, wait. The idiot might learn to write with his toes, folks are so desperate these days.” He ruffled his hair in frustration and as he dragged the palm of his hand across his face, his fingers came to rest on his eyes. The writer sprang up to his feet. He would have screamed Eureka! had the words come to mind. Instead, he said, a touch of pride in his voice, “Make me go blind in one eye.”

It's an old side splitter that's not lost its punch line, yes? An American gag, if there ever was one. It won't amaze me if the Americans who read this laugh as a gesture of courtesy. They probably, heard it before.

Keep your pen bleeding!

Akpan