Ad Hoc Santa

Wouldn't it be funny, if there was a Santa Suit that could transmute folks who put it on into a real Santa? I know it sounds silly but, humor me for a minute, why don't you? What if a mall thief trying to impersonate Santa and hoodwink the security guys finds this special suit in a sealed-off closet and completely unaware of its peculiar powers puts it on?

However, there's a clause to the Claus suit (pun intended); what if the suit allowed its wearer his previous devilish fancies that is, it could make somebody good on the outside but the original wicked thoughts stayed (even though, the guy couldn't really put 'em to work until he took the suit off)? Can you imagine the frustration such scenario would create?

The following lines are the mall thief cum Santa Claus' thoughts as he performs his (Santa) duties.

Photo: sodahead.com

          Let me out o' here! Kid just kissed me. How I hate it.

          Why does a guy gotta go thro such torture to eat?

          Waoh, this one's pretty heavy. Say, what do you feed it?

          There goes my diamond ring bought and paid for. This is sick.

          How did I get stuck in this suit? This is a bad thing.

          Wish I could get this, wish I could steal that. Gimme that!

          Security looks away but I'm Santa Claus. Alas!

          I'm ad hoc Santa and I hate being Santa. It's Whack!

          

          Must be raining outside; the mall's full to busting,

          Can't believe they're here 'cause o' me. Heck, I'm delirious!

          Kid's yelling, let go. she likes me not. Are you for real?

          The world's hugging my space yet, I can't be mischievous.

          Ouch! Kid kicked my shin I've marked his face for payback time;

          Stop tuggin' on the mustache cause it's stuck and it hurts.

          Ho! Ho! Ho! it's No! No! No! say I'm losing my mind.

          I must be going bonkers and this Claus suit's the cause!

          

          I know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the buzz,

          All these noisome kids and I'm meant to be Santa Clause.

          I'm only an innocent guy trying to shoplift malls;

          Why do kids gotta get intimate and make a fuss?

          I'd choose jail than babysit; I'd choose bust if needs must.

          What? Is that spittle? How come I'm smiling? It's unjust.

          This darn red suit makes me nice to kids to my disgust.

          When does the mall shut down so I can get myself lost?

          

          

          

          Akpan